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Keywords:: Same-Sex Marriage, Arguments Against Same-Sex Marriage, Gay Marriage, Children of Same-Sex Parents | ||||||||
This article will address a common argument against same-sex unions:
Children deserve a mother and a father.
It is important to keep in mind throughout this article that marriage rights and responsibilities are desired by many same-sex couples because they are already parents. Furthermore, marriage rights do not make their children appear or disappear (though when their same-sex parents have legal rights and responsibilities, the children's lives are undoubtedly improved) and it is actually some of the states with the most anti-gay legislation that also have the highest percentage of same-sex couples raising children (1). This argument is not practically relevant as an argument against marriage equality, though it is used quite often for its emotional appeal.
Furthermore, much research has been conducted on children of same-sex parents (Related isocrat.org article). In short, the analysis of a great deal of data has been done and, while there are some differences, no significant or abnormal harm has been found in the children of same-sex parents. There is no reason to label them deficient or defective. This argument is really an argument of the emotions. Thus, unlike most of the articles on isocrat.org, this one will be written from my (Scot's) personal perspective as a parent.
Contents:
- The Big Picture - How some of the most sacred feelings in the world are made into weapons.
- Parenting Skills - The flexible nature of being a gay parent.
- Examples - No children are raised in isolation.
- Why Do You Hate Mothers? - Hysterics and accusation.
- Summary
- References
To be plain about it, our children do not have a mother. For that, some argue our family, and even our children, should not exist.
As our boys well understand, there is, of course, a woman who carried them, and took care of them for the months before their birth. I love her like a sister, the children know her, the role she played and our deep gratitude. We have a special name for her, but a "mother," to us, is a woman who parents you, who is emotionally tied to you, and, while many will want to say that, of course, our children have a mother, focusing on the biology, we reserve that word for those women who do the work of parenting. The reason should be more than evident to any adopted child, or any child, really, who takes the time to wonder what is important in their relationship with their parents.
The detractors of our families are smart, though. Most people are raised by heterosexual couples and feel strongly for their parents. Our opponents apply a slight trick of vocabulary and emotion and this argument about what our children deserve becomes one of the most effective they have. I would bet a lot of folks reading this, when they read the words "our children do not have a mother" above, cringed somewhere inside, and some even became morally incensed, for their reflexive extrapolation of their familial feelings into our home. They've judged our family as having robbed our children of something and have judged our children as deficient. I can understand such a reflex; I love my mom too, and am sure my life’s quality would have been greatly diminished without her.
Importantly though, it is not just a mom, a woman I love, right? I love my mom and my dad. I love my unique and particular parents. When you think on it beyond the superficial, it is clear what we love about our parents is not their anatomy, or genes, not the ‘M’ or ‘F’ on their birth certificates. We love the people they are, their parenting. We have a whole tomb of loving history to back up our strong feelings in the terms ‘mom’ and ‘dad,’ beginning even before our memory, in places where baby books can only testify. We love every patched scrape, every late night they worked for us or paced in an emergency room. We love every encouragement to go beyond ourselves, every hug, smile, and lesson imparted. Though no child cares from what anatomical shape all those experiences come, and all of them do come from both male and female parents, the words ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ still become infused with wonderful associations.
Our detractors smartly try to turn those great familial emotions into a weapon against our families, to imply something that is false about our homes and our children. The implication being that, for example, we do not nurture like a mother, or we do not encourage like a father. They assume our children are only half parented, missing half all those many wonderful experiences.
I think, though, most modern humans, outside of the biasing nature of GLBT politics, would admit they parent for their child’s needs. They aim to do what it takes to make them moral, healthy, and happy individuals. To that end, most fathers mother, at times, and most mothers father as well. Being a parent of twins, a necessity to parent in a way unique to each child is even more striking for us. I know my one son responds best to a gentle touch; the other is more rough and tumble. If treated with the same parenting stereotype of mothering or fathering I’d be doing both a disservice. So when they are hurt, we comfort them, and when they are forcing drama, we encourage them to get back up. Our parenting, just as it is in any other home, is a balance of the notions behind mothering and fathering.
I am reminded here of my Aunt Beanie, a very old woman who has lost that part of the mind that would censor her younger self. After about 6 months of our children’s lives, she complained to my mom that, if anything, we “mother them too much.” She felt we kept them too close, and didn’t insist enough they “soothe themselves.” That was how they mothered in her generation, stern and hands-off. By today’s standards she would be a very masculine parent. In fact, many of the children back then, in the golden age of “the family,” were raised by their siblings, particularly where we live here in Utah. It is simply telling that the only criticism of our parenting we have received from those who actually know us is that we mother too much.
It’s also bit odd that the folks who will deride gay men as unfit to be parents for their inability to do the traditional jobs of mothers are the same people who will complain about gay men being too feminine. One of the best things about being gay is being let go from artificial gender rules. You can more easily do what you are innately best at, regardless of what is traditionally in your gender, and this carries over into our homes. Some lesbian moms can teach their children how to through a curve ball better than any man, and some gay men make better cookies than the most domestic matriarch. We are lucky to have this freedom to more easily do what we are best at for our family, even if at the price of some alienation.
Personally, we have one of the best homemakers I’ve known. In all, I have to conclude that it is not really our actions of parenting, or our children's happiness about which our opponents are concerned; it is about maintaining superstitions regarding what it means to be gay, or to be a man, or a woman.
Examples
On this topic, it is typically also stated that our children suffer from merely having little influence or example from adult females, and thus they won’t know how to build a family. In a way, with my partner as a stay at home parent and with our extensive involvement of extended family, it seems to me we’ve a better example of a traditional family than the average household, 60% of which have their children in daycare
(2). Furthermore, it is not like our family is a no-estrogen zone. Our children spend much of their day with their female teachers and friends, almost every day they see their grandparents, and there is an aunt or niece at our home almost as often. In short, they have more access to examples of diversity in human sex, race, and family types than most children they know. We’ve been sure of that, as are most gay parents.
It would also be a delusion to think, for example, they will hit puberty and have no idea how to treat or court a woman, or have no close female they could, if they felt it necessary for any reason, turn to for personal advice. Nevertheless, as a man who has been chaste, 100% monogamous, and has kept a strong, stable union for well over a decade, I do not feel abnormally unqualified to teach my children about what it means to court, love, cherish, and respect either a man or a woman, towards whichever their orientation may point. I know I learned much from my parents that has been applied to our home.
Oddly, most of those who use this argument offer their gay children far worse than no example, without a moral flinch.
Finally, it is also important to note that, in the research, in blind studies, no difference has been found in the gender behavior of children raised by gay or lesbian parents
(3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16). More detail may be found here.
Why Do You Hate Mothers?
At this point, a marriage equality opponent may resort to a variant of something like: “So you’re saying that mothers are disposable then?” My children don’t have a sister either; so I advocate getting rid of them too, right? Okay, I shouldn't be lighthearted about this, but really? Honestly? Does this mean the Catholics I have encountered using this argument by logical extension believe non-catholic parents are disposable as well?
To be clear, no one is saying that mothers or fathers are disposable; quite the contrary. I have never met a gay man or woman who has had anything bad to say about mothers or fathers in general, or the institute of traditional marriage. Many of us are, in fact, called mom or dad. It is simply politically effective for our opponents to use such hysterics, again playing on the emotions behind the words. Ironic, though, that it is these same people who are arguing that either me or my husband, along with all the mothers and fathering we do, are disposable in order to make their idea of an ideal family (the ideal family argument is addressed here).
It is as though, to protect some imagined, idealized category of “the children,” some of our opponents are willing to ignore the reality of the attachments and the needs of real children, our children. However, the same strong emotions they use to make this argument effective in the public are present and potent in our home too. If what is best for children in the institution of family--the dedication, the love, the sacrifice, and more--is to be promoted, then the families of our children deserve respect, support, legal rights and responsibilities as well.
Children do deserve love, attention, care, dedication, nurturing, encouragement, and much more. Most every child needs their particular family, and, of course, most of the time that means a mom and a dad, but not every time. What they really need are the people uniquely bound to them emotionally and obligated to them as parents. No one else will do for my children; no one else will do for your children.
Return to the argument against marriage equality for same-sex couples.
REFERENCES ::
1. Bennett, L.; Gates, G. J.. The Cost of Marriage Inequality to Children and Their Same-Sex Parents. hrc.org, (2004).
2. US Department of Health and Human Services. Average Monthly Percentages of Children in Child Care by Age Category and Type of Care (FFY 2005). http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/ccb/data/ccdf_data/05acf800/table13.htm. (2005).
3. Hoeffer, B.. Children's acquisition of sex-role behavior in lesbian-mother families. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry. vol. 51 (3), pp. 536-544, (1981).
4. Patterson, C.J.. Family Relationships of Lesbians and Gay Men. Journal of marriage and the family. vol. 62 (4), pp. 1052-1069, (2000).
5. Golombok, S.; Spencer, A.; Rutter, M.. Children in lesbian and single-parent households: psychosexual and psychiatric appraisal. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. vol. 24 (4), pp. 551-572, (1983).
6. Brewaeys, A.; Ponjaert,I.; Van Hall, E.V.; Golombok, S.. Donor insemination: child development and family functioning in lesbian mother families. Human Reproduction. vol. 12, pp. 1349-1359, (1997).
7. Green, R.. Sexual identity of 37 children raised by homosexual or transsexual parents. American Journal of Psychiatry. vol. 135 (6), pp. 692-697, (1978).
8. Patterson, C.J.. Children of the lesbian baby boom: Behavioral adjustment, self-concepts, and sex-role identity. Sage Publications, London. (1994).
9. Anderssen, N.; Amlie, C.; Ytterøy, E.A.. Outcomes for children with lesbian or gay parents. A review of studies from 1978 to 2000. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology. vol. 43 (4), pp. 335-351, (2002).
10. Lambert, S.. Gay and Lesbian Families: What We Know and Where to Go From Here. The Family Journal. vol. 13 (1), pp. 43-51, (2005).
11. Patterson, C.J.. Children of Lesbian and Gay Parents. Child Development. vol. 63 (5), pp. 1025-1042, (1992).
12. Patterson, C.J.. Lesbian mothers, gay fathers, and their children. Oxford University Press, New York. (1995).
13. Stevens, M.; Golombok, S.; Beveridge, M.. Does Father Absence Influence Children's Gender Development? Findings From a General Population Study of Preschool Children. Parenting. vol. 2 (1), pp. 47-60, (2002).
14. Gottman, J.S.. Children of gay and lesbian parents. Haworth Press, New York. (1990).
15. Javaid, G.A.. The children of homosexual and heterosexual single mothers. Child Psychiatry and Human Development. vol. 23 (4), pp. 235-248, (1993).
16. Wainright, J.L.; Russell, S.T.; Patterson, C.J.. Psychosocial Adjustment, School Outcomes, and Romantic Relationships of Adolescents With Same-Sex Parents. Child Development. vol. 75 (6), pp. 1886-1898, (2004).
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isocrat > politics > parenting > mom_dad
Created: 2008-07-21; Last Edited: 2008-07-21; (ID339)