Generally LGBT Left
Raising Gay-Conscious (but not TOO gay-conscious) ChildrenRemember when this was a group blog, not exclusively authored by Scot? Yeah, I don’t either. In my defense, I was busy writing a novel that has a gay protagonist, so I was still working for the cause, in a roundabout sort of way. At any rate, here is a post I’ve been writing in my head for a couple months, now translated into 1s and 0s for your computer to untranslate so you can read it in English. (Swahili translation forthcoming.)
I have two children: a five-and-a-half-year-old girl (the half is important) and a nearly-three-year-old boy. My philosophy of childrearing, sometimes executed more successfully than others, is to teach them to be the kind of people who would live in my vision of an ideal world. So when it comes to gender issues, for example, I insist that in our home there is no such thing as “girl toys” and “boy toys,” and when my daughter calls the person who delivers our mail “the mail girl,” I remind her that many women don’t like to be called “girls” (though I’m sure some do), so it’s more respectful to refer to mail-delivering people of either gender as “mail carriers.” It’s terribly PC of me, I know, and now that my daughter’s in school and surrounded by other children it’s an uphill battle, but it’s important to me to communicate the underlying message–that despite what society may tell you, there is no qualitative difference between men and women, that all people deserve the same level of respect and the same opportunities.
As much as I can, I take a similar approach to issues of orientation. For the most part, sexual orientation doesn’t come up in conversations with a five-and-a-half-year-old, let alone an almost-three-year-old, but in age-appropriate contexts I do what I can to raise children who will see homosexual and heterosexual as equally good, natural, and deserving of respect. When we visited Scot and Rob’s family last summer, for example, my daughter noticed that their family looks slightly different than ours and so I explained that some kids have a mom and a dad, others have two moms, others have two dads, and yet others have other family situations. I attach no value judgment to the differences and I hope she doesn’t either. She has specifically asked me since then about whether men only marry women or if they can marry other men (like Alan and Brian’s dads, she explained), and I told her that either combination is okay and when you’re a grown-up you’ll know who you want to marry. It’s especially important to me to communicate this message because I know she’ll hear a very different message at church (my wife takes our children to the LDS church). Whether either of my kids ends up being gay or they have friends who are gay, I would like them to grow up understanding that it’s as morally inconsequential as being right- or left-handed.
I worry sometimes, though, about going overboard in my PC parenting. When my daughter is talking about her future goals (she wants to be an astronaut and a farmer and a mom), it’s hard to talk about that future without making assumptions–I feel pretty ridiculous saying something like, “And what will your husband and/or wife and/or co-parenting life partner do?” I’d rather not have sexual orientation become such a focus that when my kids are going through puberty and they’re not attracted to their own gender, they feel like something’s wrong with them. And the fact is, although in my ideal world all orientations are equal in value, heterosexuality will always be dominant numerically. There’s a much greater chance that my children, or any other given child, grows up straight than gay.
So my question to you, dear readers, is what do you think is the best way to raise children in a still rather heterosexist world to have a healthy view of sexuality, without beating them over the head with gay pride? To those of you who are parents, how do you instill in them a proper respect for their own and others’ orientation, and to those of you have parents, how do you wish they’d instilled that respect in you? And lastly, to those of you who think I’m overthinking the issue, what medication do you prescribe?
7 responses so far ↓
1 Scot // Mar 31, 2009 at 10:49 am
Man, I can really identify with this problem.
(glad to have some company again too :-). I feel like the site needs a post-prop-8 reboot in a way (thus the new look). )
Anyway, as you say, odds are the children in both our families will end up heterosexual. I think it’s best to just give them such facts on their level. I tell my kids pretty much the same thing you do when they bring it up: they won’t know who they’ll want to marry until they are older, but I also tell them they will probably decide to marry a woman, like their grandparents or uncles. That’s a pretty good, justifiable assumption. I know, if my son does end up gay, then I may be setting him up for a surprise, but, by the data, it would be the least probable outcome and should be treated as it is. Like you, I don’t want them to be surprised if they are the most likely outcome, straight.
In some ways, I think I’ve got it easier, though. The thing with a same-sex headed home, is that the message that being gay is okay doesn’t need to be said; it’s implied in everyday family life. I feel completely comfortable making the possibly non-pc assumption they’ll marry a woman, while knowing if that’s not the case they’ll have no doubt that is completely okay with their parents.
But really, I don’t think you, Ben, need to worry. As long as your children grow up seeing you as a supporter of gay rights and a supporter of same-sex headed families, they’ll know they can be gay and you’d not love or support them any less. I can’t see the harm in assuming or given them the impression that if you toss a twenty-sided die it probably won’t land on 20. But if it is 20, that’s fine too, just as long as they don’t bring home a son or daughter-in-law who’s not good enough for them ;-).
2 Scott // Mar 31, 2009 at 2:43 pm
What Scot said, basically.
We’ve just assumed that our kids would be right-handed, because most people are, right? But when our oldest started showing signs that she favored her left hand, we allowed her to do what felt comfortable and eventually she settled into left-handedness.
(In contrast, I’ve observed another parent, when they noticed that their child was favoring his left hand, work diligently to “train” him to use his right hand in everything, so that he didn’t have to grow up left-handed in a right-handed world).
This may not be the perfect analogy, but I think there are parallels. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with assuming our kids will be straight, since that’s the most likely outcome. Doing so doesn’t imply any narrow-mindedness or lack of tolerance.
…Because in the meantime, we demonstrate by our actions that we have no problem with gay people (we certainly wouldn’t have a house full of them every month if we did), and I think it’s fairly obvious that even though dad, who’s gay, is married to a woman, we think that same-sex marriage is great too.
And hopefully they also understand that even though we’re assuming they’re straight, our love for EVERYONE, regardless of orientation, means that we won’t love them any less if they decide that they aren’t.
And as they get a little older, maybe it would even be appropriate to discuss this with them? Let them know that we’re making assumptions based on statistical probability but that those assumptions don’t reflect and hopes or wishes on our part–that our only hopes and wishes are for them to be happy being who they are.
3 Ben // Mar 31, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Thanks, Scot and Scott. Tonight as I was putting my daughter to bed in my room (she and her brother won’t go to sleep if we put them down in the same room), she asked why Mommy and Daddy share a bed. I told her that when people are married they like to sleep in the same bed, and that when she grows up she can share a bed with her husband if she wants to, and I didn’t feel guilty for saying so.
4 Scot // Apr 3, 2009 at 7:24 am
Speaking of… my Alan, on the way to Karate yesterday, started laughing. After trying to get what it was he was laughing about out of him and him acting all embarrassed he told me he was thinking of a dream he had that a girl in his class kissed him. He was blushing and everything.
And I thought at this age girls were all riddled with cooties :).
I did think of this post though. I remembered having a similar dream at about 10, kissing a boy in my class. But it didn’t seem as cute as Alan’s to me back then. It certainly didn’t make me laugh; I kept it to myself. I didn’t even consider it meant I was gay because I didn’t even know gay was possible back then.
To know my parents are the sort that wouldn’t have minded either way would have been a big help, one I hope we can all provide if needs be.
5 Ben // Apr 3, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Yeah, I think that’s the goal–to make sure our kids know it’s a not a big deal, and that there are a lot of options.
6 qweirdutah // May 4, 2009 at 8:54 pm
I just beat them over the head with gay pride. I can’t single-handedly neutralize the heteronormativity they get everywhere else they are, but I sure can try. I beat them with white privilege and their responsibility as white people too and as boys who will one day be men. I guess what I’m saying is that I personally probably err on the side of social consciousness. I see oppression as a mighty river whose current sweeps you along and unless you are active swimming against it, you’re losing ground. My parenting philosophy isn’t without major consequences. This philosophy has recently come back to haunt me as my 7 year old has nightmares of assassination because he supports the gays.
7 Ben // May 5, 2009 at 9:20 pm
If you’re in Utah as your name suggests, I imagine no amount of overcompensation for heteronormativity is too much. And I also understand why your seven-year-old would have those nightmares. Of course, I’m about to move back to Utah, so I’ll have to take that all into consideration.
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